A Big Fear...A Bigger God

For quite some time a fear has gripped my heart.  It is an insidious fear that envelopes my heart with it's thin black arms and squeezes when triggered to do so.  Long ago, I made a decision to quit school and be a wife and Mom.  I surrendered my own independent path to the one of following my husband.

But then again, I surrendered all that I am and all that I have to my God, Yahweh, the Maker of heaven and earth.  And I kept trying to tell Him that I believed Him that He would take care of me.  Through the past few weeks, a few triggers here and there, and the study I have been going through, I have discovered that I have not surrendered it all to Him.  For me it is a physical act of confessing where I haven't trusted Him and turning it over to Him.  I have to physically say the words and confess my desire to live independently from Him.

In this case, it came to me that I was still worried about what I would do if something took Jeff away.  I rely on him for so much - and we live in a place that is difficult to live in.  Snow is here about nine months of the year, we have horses to stock hay for, and ranch work to do.  All of it is overwhelming if viewed through my eyes.

Then there is that matter of finances and managing them.  Jeff is an accountant and is a whiz with numbers and keeping track of them.  I am not.  I know God could enable me to do anything...like He did Moses, but this has made me realize I don't want to be Moses and I am scared to do what I would  need to do.  Oh, how heart wrenching it is to face the secret scares in one's life.

And then there was this little detail that we have moved so much and I have been a stay at home Mom for so long that I don't even know where I would get a job.  I know I wouldn't lose my house.  Insurance would pay for it.  But I do know I would have to have income and that I would need a job.  What can I do?  Reception work? Graphic design?  But I am not schooled in it.

So, here was the great revelation.  God doesn't need me to worry about that.  He told me not to worry and then He promised in Philippians that he would guard my heart and my mind, especially as I turn those worries over to Him.  Did I just read that beautiful seed of Scripture and eat it?  I needed to sow it in the ground, through prayer, much as a gardener does.  Then I need to watch Him bring a harvest.

Oh, Lord.  Why is it so hard to give over my life to You?  You are trustworthy.   You prove your ability to care for me over and over.  You are not fickle like people.  You will not allow my foot to slip.  You watch over me and never sleep.  You have promised.  And you are bigger than my fears.  I confess my doubt to You and give it up.  Please allow me to rest in your arms like a toddler rests in his Mama's arms when he is out of resources to keep going.  And help me to get rid of my desire to try to make it without you.  I do not really desire that.  I want you.  I want your Presence.  I cannot live without you.  Thank you for being bigger than my fears and for allowing me to cry out to you.  Guide me and direct me.