A Big Fear...A Bigger God

For quite some time a fear has gripped my heart.  It is an insidious fear that envelopes my heart with it's thin black arms and squeezes when triggered to do so.  Long ago, I made a decision to quit school and be a wife and Mom.  I surrendered my own independent path to the one of following my husband.

But then again, I surrendered all that I am and all that I have to my God, Yahweh, the Maker of heaven and earth.  And I kept trying to tell Him that I believed Him that He would take care of me.  Through the past few weeks, a few triggers here and there, and the study I have been going through, I have discovered that I have not surrendered it all to Him.  For me it is a physical act of confessing where I haven't trusted Him and turning it over to Him.  I have to physically say the words and confess my desire to live independently from Him.

In this case, it came to me that I was still worried about what I would do if something took Jeff away.  I rely on him for so much - and we live in a place that is difficult to live in.  Snow is here about nine months of the year, we have horses to stock hay for, and ranch work to do.  All of it is overwhelming if viewed through my eyes.

Then there is that matter of finances and managing them.  Jeff is an accountant and is a whiz with numbers and keeping track of them.  I am not.  I know God could enable me to do anything...like He did Moses, but this has made me realize I don't want to be Moses and I am scared to do what I would  need to do.  Oh, how heart wrenching it is to face the secret scares in one's life.

And then there was this little detail that we have moved so much and I have been a stay at home Mom for so long that I don't even know where I would get a job.  I know I wouldn't lose my house.  Insurance would pay for it.  But I do know I would have to have income and that I would need a job.  What can I do?  Reception work? Graphic design?  But I am not schooled in it.

So, here was the great revelation.  God doesn't need me to worry about that.  He told me not to worry and then He promised in Philippians that he would guard my heart and my mind, especially as I turn those worries over to Him.  Did I just read that beautiful seed of Scripture and eat it?  I needed to sow it in the ground, through prayer, much as a gardener does.  Then I need to watch Him bring a harvest.

Oh, Lord.  Why is it so hard to give over my life to You?  You are trustworthy.   You prove your ability to care for me over and over.  You are not fickle like people.  You will not allow my foot to slip.  You watch over me and never sleep.  You have promised.  And you are bigger than my fears.  I confess my doubt to You and give it up.  Please allow me to rest in your arms like a toddler rests in his Mama's arms when he is out of resources to keep going.  And help me to get rid of my desire to try to make it without you.  I do not really desire that.  I want you.  I want your Presence.  I cannot live without you.  Thank you for being bigger than my fears and for allowing me to cry out to you.  Guide me and direct me.

  

Lasagna Rolls

Found a new recipe that I know will be a hit at our house for quite some time.  We all loved it.  Usually lasagna is so rich and it sinks to the pit of my stomach and sits there like concrete.  But this dish is lighter and the portions are so easy.  It tasted good, looked good, and was easy to make.  All that adds up to heaven in a dish.  Enjoy!  (And sing a little Italian to go with it.)

Here's the directions: (click on them to make them bigger)

Learning Contentment

So, how does one learn to be content?  There is only one good answer...and one good way.  

The last few months, I have had to stay home.  I mean really stay home.  I was having tummy issues.  No, not those kinds of tummy issues.  The kind of tummy issues that just about knocked me to my knees.  Every single time I ate, my stomach felt like someone had hit me, hard.  I got nauseated, felt burning sensations, felt like I had been hit.  I can still reproduce the feeling if I eat fatty foods...which I now try to avoid at all costs.  (Because I did yesterday...ate fatty foods...and today, oh my, I am feeling like someone gave me a nice punch to my gut.)

The doctor who is helping me sort out all the tummy troubles, bless his heart, figures there are several things happening.  But he was kind enough to rule out cancer, and for that I am thankful.  I have stopped taking my acid reflux medication as it was making things worse; have taken anti-parasitical medication and now have more energy; and have had to remove most stress in my life (if that is possible!)  I have also been asked to not add anything new to my plate or pick up any old out-of-the-house activities for about six months.  The hope is that we will not have to remove my gall bladder and can reverse damage that an always-on-the-go lifestyle has wreaked on my digestive tract.

Needless to say, it can sometimes be hard to remain content and to stay where I know God wants me to stay.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I have plenty to do.  I am learning the fine art of reorganizing, or shall I say organizing, my home.  I am spending time home schooling my littlest.  I am helping teach my older boys a bible study and disciple them, and just be there for them. I am a welcoming committee of one to my wonderful man when he comes home. I am a prayer warrior for friends.  I am seeing incredible fruit just from doing that.  And it is good.

But then that temptation to be discontent washes over me.  I think it is a mighty battle within.  I went to church today and there was a ministry fair.  And to tell you the truth, I wanted to run around and sign up for all the ministries, just so I could tell others about the wonderful things God has been teaching me in my bible study time at home.

Oh, wait.   At home.  Where am I learning all this wonderful stuff?  Right where God has me.  At home.  Oh yeah.  (Pause here and contemplate this with me.)  

My Pastor talked of getting my game shirt on today and getting in the game.  I so badly wanted to throw on that shirt, and yell, "Put me in Coach!  I can do it!".  You see, I keep forgetting there is a time for everything -- a season.  And it is the off season for me right now.  It is the time when I am supposed to be training, and practicing.  God makes that pretty clear to me in my study.  But I keep looking forward to that big game.  I want to feel the three pointer slide off my fingers and swoosh through the rim.  I want to be part of the camaraderie of working hard side by side.

But then again, I remember what God says about obedience.  And once again, I am humbled.  My training is right here at home.  And there is only one way for me to learn to be content...and that is to be content right where God has me.  That is my training- my training for the big game.  Right now I am working on contentment.